The REAL Tundra Wookie Story

This story is from Shannon, who developed the original Tundra Wookie term back in the ooooold days of the 1990's. Like any good story from Fairbanks, this story begins in the Marlin. Back then the Marlin had the slogan "Kill your liver, not your lungs" because the owner Patrick only allowed smoking in the back outdoor slat cave. But then the Marlin burned, and reopened under new management, where smoking anything was once again allowed inside.

So there I was, at the Marlin, when a heavily intoxicated, bearded hippie was wearing flannel, carharts, and drinking crappy whiskey. He introduced himself as WaaaHAAHahahhahaaaaaaaa...which I couldn't understand. He continued with the strange noises and it dawned on me that he sounded like Chewbacca. And, with the beard, he looked like Chewbacca. And, all he needed was ammo cans strapped to his chest and he would BE A WOOKIE. And the term came to me. There are hundreds of men in Fairbanks that can't speak to pretty women without making strange noises, that have unusual amounts of hair, and low amounts of hygiene. They are true subspecies of the Space Wookie. Wookies are always male, just to be clear. Because even the hairiest, lowest hygiene woman in Fairbanks can still get laid. And that disqualifies you from being a Wookie.

And ever since, everyone in Fairbanks knows what a Tundra Wookie is. I have even been to special Tundra Wookie nights at Ivory Jacks where Wookies get in for free. I never thought I'd need to write this down on the internet. I'd much rather tell the story in exchange for a beer at the Marlin or at Ivory Jacks or even at the Red Fox, but since some upstart snowboarder from Colorado decided to re-define Tundra Wookie, I felt compelled. So there you have it. The real story. From the source. You can buy me a beer next time you run into me and help me keep a Wookie count.

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